


Modern Love

by chuwaeyo



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-04 05:43:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15834927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuwaeyo/pseuds/chuwaeyo
Summary: Pairing: Wanda x Fem!Reader; Implied ScarletVisionAngsty College AU | Based on a true storyMaybe if you stayed quiet, you could’ve been naive with her just a little bit longer.And you know it’s supposed to be “your thing” together, but you’re sorry you never said goodbye.





	1. Maybe We Will Never Say Goodbye to Each Other

**Author's Note:**

> 5/21/19: casually rewriting some old fics (ch1 is done!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Would it be okay that no matter what happened, you would relive everything?  
> No matter what everyone else had to say.  
> Would it be okay to be the source of her smile one last time?

**** You can’t remember when you stopped replying to the flood of messages, but the bitterness in your mouth reading about easier times made you sick.

But you went through your phone anyway.

Deleting endless messages, conversations and photos with  _ her. _

Memories you thought you would hold onto forever until you were both old and wrinkled.

Things that should’ve brought happiness and fond memories - ugly candids and screenshots of the dumbest conversations - washed over you with a wave of hurt and betrayal.

How young and naive did you both have to be? 

To believe that nothing wrong would ever happen? That you could both skirt around your feelings and act like you had all the time in the world?

It was a bad habit turned inside joke.

Whenever you  _ just _ missed each other - never more than a minute or two - she always made sure to message you almost immediately.

And now you can’t help but wonder:

Was it always just some weird coincidence? Or was this all apart of a game she was playing with you?

“Maybe our thing will be that we will never say goodbye to each other.” You could hear the message in her voice, always sorry and teasing, and always like clockwork.

Always the same phrase, and tone, and teasing before saying how much she missed you.

How her day just  _ wouldn’t  _ be the same because she couldn’t see you.

She made it  _ “your thing” _ for each other. 

Without even a word from you, she promised she would always be there for you, even if you weren’t physically together.

The questions still skip across your mind sometimes, when you’re trying to look past everything to remember how it was before it was all bad.

Did she really miss you? Did she ever truly miss you?

_ Or did it only start when you forced yourself to leave? _

Maybe she did sometimes - when things were hard and she needed the strength behind your tired smile and laughter to remind her of the good in life.

But when things were good? When she was carefree and without a worry in the world?

Did she miss you then? 

Surrounded by other people she happily called her friends and confidants - 

Did she ever really miss you?

It was a unanimous thought that she was the sweetest person to befriend on campus, a stark contrast to yourself, but no one else really knew the truth, no one ever got to know her as you did.

She was sly, deep down in her core, the easy life too boring and unfulfilling for her tastes, always needing something to be happening around her for her to be satisfied.

And maybe that’s why, at some point before things were the way they are now, she loved you.

You with your messy smiles, loud laughter, and dumb luck to get you out of any situation. Surprisingly friendly and eager to make others feel safe and welcome that you would gladly make yourself look like a fool if it meant they would finally crack a smile and let their walls down.

Together you were the perfect disaster waiting to happen - the angel of campus and a troublesome devil like you.

You should’ve known it was a bomb waiting to detonate.

But you were fooled by her too.

So caught up in her attention that you became too happy and carefree with her, too naive to think that she would ever hurt you.

Your thoughts always went back to the same thing, always blaming yourself for everything because you still thought the world of her.

_ “If I had known our last day together would have been so soon, maybe I would’ve been kinder...would that have eased you of some of the guilt you feel now? _

_ Maybe we would’ve enjoyed our last good moments together more - two carefree kids laughing the day away without fearing what was coming. _

_ If I went against “our thing” - if I said goodbye - would your heart stop hurting?” _

No matter how often they tell you, you can’t help but blame yourself.

Over and over again it’s always the same, “stop worrying about someone who hurt and used you - don’t care about them anymore - stop trying to take all the blame away from them - for once, make her the villain and let yourself see her for what she did.”

But how could you just stop caring about someone who held your heart so closely at orders like that?

Someone who made everything better with their smile, made everything worth remembering, someone who made life worth working hard for.

But she left you behind so easily, the betrayal hurt more than the rejection.

To some, she feigned how hurt and sorry and confused she was, but in public, in social circles you left in respect of her space, you suddenly became nothing more than a classmate she couldn’t care less about.

And you heard the stories - 

Whether they were the tales heard by your friends, or the constant low whispers that filled rooms as you walked in, you heard them.

It made you sick, and you couldn’t help but wonder if you were really the one who just had their heart broken and stomped on, if you were really the one who spent more nights crying the loss of the other than any other final goodbye you had.

And sometimes the stories got to you.

_ You _ were never kind enough, never honest enough, never let her in, never opened up and kept her at an arm’s length even though she was an angel.

_ You _ lived in your own illusion that everything was perfect and that the two of you could keep playing games and running circles around each other and your feelings until the end of your lives.

Back then, and even now, you know you were a fool for her, you just never wanted to admit it. 

You still are a fool for her.

Thinking back to simpler times, playing back happy memories and moments even as the thoughts in your head haunted you about the fallout.

And maybe you were both at fault.

Was it okay?

That you hurt her? Or that she hurt you?

That after that explosion of heartbreak and reality, you both went back and forth, hurting each other in little ways, but never,  _ never _ , talking to each other directly.

_ Was any of it okay? _

Your finger hovered the last picture on your phone of her - the two of you smiling and a little blurry because you couldn’t believe you had each other as a Secret Santa - a flood of memories with all your planning and small arguments over who would pay for what food and decorations…

And you couldn’t help but wonder - 

_ Would it be okay that, no matter what happened, you would relive everything? _

No matter what anyone else had to say.

_ Would it be okay that you wanted to be the source of her smile one last time? _

Before things turned cold and hurtful, before things that you once loved brought you so much pain of what used to be and what could’ve been.

Maybe if you stayed quiet, you could’ve been naive with her just a little bit longer.

_ And you know it’s supposed to be “your thing” together, but you’re sorry you never said goodbye. _


	2. We Should Have Said Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi fun fact: I have the next part already done too so I might post that a few hours after this one lmao | also hangout discord!! - https://discord.gg/bxHfTtD  
> as always hmu @chuwaeyo on tumblr for anything  
> cheers!

Even though it's been months since you had a real conversation with her, you still hear whispers about the regret she feels about how things ended between the two of you. That she wanted to make things right, that you really did have a chance if you were just one day earlier.

One. Day.

You had to wonder:

Does Wanda really have that many regrets about her choice?

Is that why she keeps showing up at places she knows you'll be at? 

Is that why she messages you out of the blue apologizing for random things that she knows doesn't really matter to you?

Is that why she thought it was important to message you, in the middle of summer, about all the jackets you gave to her?

Just thinking about all your interactions now made your head hurt, the forced conversations and always having to remind her that everything was fine. 

That you were okay.

Thinking about all the jackets of yours she still had made you stop in your tracks. You were just so used to giving them to her all the time, that now you were used to the cold.

No matter where or when it was, she was always cold to the touch and without a jacket, ready for you to wrap her up in your own. 

She's the reason why you always made sure to carry one, knowing she was too stubborn to bring her own and loved your jackets more than hers anyway. 

"Would you please warm me up?" Wanda would look at you with those eyes of hers and pout, already holding out her hands to grab your jacket and to hold your hand, knowing you were helpless against the sight.

You would roll your eyes and do what she wanted because she was always just so happy afterward, you couldn't help but feel warm all over.

And no matter what happened, you know you'll always want the best for her, even if you shouldn't.

You still want her to take care of herself, even if you aren't there anymore to make sure she does.

And even though it was the middle of summer and you're sure she doesn't even need a jacket right now, you couldn't help but wonder, how did it even cross her mind?

Was it all just an excuse to try and talk again? To make things the way they used to be?

Or was she just sick of having reminders of what used to be hanging in her closet, or wrapped around her waist when she's in a rush and accidentally grabs one of them?

Maybe you should've said goodbye.

Packed up all your things so she could stop coming back.

And as much as she hurt you, you can't deny that sometimes you miss her too.

You really should've said goodbye.


	3. Murphy | Sod

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now that the first three are posted, things are about to be jUICY!! aka we going back to the very start | also hangout discord - https://discord.gg/bxHfTtD

After your fallout, you used to think your relationship with her could be described with Murphy's Law, "anything that can go wrong, will go wrong (eventually)."

But now you realize that the two of you were a tragedy from the beginning. 

You should've listened to the universe the first time it tried to distance you from her and let her go - it could've saved you the heartbreak.

No - you were never Murphy's Law, you never had a good beginning, there was never any solid hope for the future.

Together, the two of you were always Sod's Law, "requiring that it always goes wrong with the worst possible outcome."

From day one you were doomed.

From day one the universe tried to push you both apart and you should've known better.

You should've known something was off when she always pushed you away but kept you close for her own convenience.

You should've known something was off when you were only there after everyone else was gone.

You should've known something was off when she made sure you couldn't live a life separate from hers.

You really should've known.

Maybe then you could've saved yourself from the heartache and pain you still feel.

Maybe then you could've salvaged some sort of friendship with her.

But maybe you couldn't have done anything.

"It always goes wrong with the worst possible outcome."

At some point, maybe no matter what you did, things were destined to become ruined.

At some point, you would've become heartbroken no matter what.

At some point, she would just hurt you again.

At some point, you'd be in your current position all over again.

You'd be here.

Alone.

Not trusting people you once called your friends because she got to them first, crying over a twisted version of the story between you two.

Her twisted siren song that left you stranded out on the sea.

And though you were alone and unsure of who you could really trust.

The one thing you know for certain now is that everything was destined for ruin when it comes to you and her.


	4. Beginning of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the start of it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: starting off slow but don’t you worry, it picks up soon lmao | hangout discord - https://discord.gg/bxHfTtD

Thinking about trying to find a roommate for your first year at university made your head hurt, barely two minutes into opening the housing portal and skimming through the first few pages, everyone seemed to be the same. There were people who wanted to focus on only Greek Life, or their major(s), there were hipsters, goths, anime lovers, and every other stereotype one could find on a college campus. 

Except for, of course, a happy and tolerable in-between type of person (like you) to even talk to or view on the portal.

You groaned and wondered if you had remembered about finding roommates after getting accepted if you would be in this same position now.

You almost gave up when you finally noticed a small red notification on the mail icon, jumping up so quickly that your dog woke up from their nap at your feet.

"Please God or literally any other all-powerful being that has control over this type of thing, please, please, please let this be someone I can tolerate living with." You shut your eyes and silently prayed, afraid to get your hopes up too high.

But reading the message, your heart leaped, soared, and did anything else it could do to showcase just how happy you were. 

"Wanda Maximoff", you read her name aloud and found yourself grinning at the slightly goofy description she wrote for herself, noting your similar tastes and how approachable and friendly she was. 

And though you were still unsure about the whole dorming situation, you could care less now that you knew you had at least one friend going into the new university. 

Over the next two months, the two of you talked about everything and nothing at the same time, quickly sharing social media pages and stupid pictures with each other, as if you were both just best friends reunited after years apart.

Late at night or early in the mornings, you would both find yourself texting back and forth, talking about your aspirations and dreams, your likes and dislikes, worst fears and friends. Anything to pass the time until you both met in person, and could talk for hours face to face.

You don't know what it was about her, but you found yourself looking forward to her constant updates about her plans and random whining about some small inconvenience she knew you would find funny. 

Not to be cheesy, but you couldn't wait to meet her. 

The girl who was able to make you smile at any hour of the day with a stupid text about anything at all. 

The girl who wasn't afraid to admit that she smiled or laughed out loud at your dumb texts too.

When the time came for the announcement of dorming situations, almost everyone on the Facebook Page for the Freshman class was excited to see if they were lucky enough to be with their new friends, but you were anxious and afraid that none of the people you had gotten to know over the past few months would be your roommate.

Eager to get the first wave of shock over with, you quickly pulled out your phone and logged onto the portal to view the information, letting out a small sigh of relief to see that two of the girls you befriended would be her roommates for the year (though you were disheartened that Wanda wasn't one of them).

Quickly sending a quick message to her that you were sad (you wrote heartbroken for dramatic effect) about not rooming together, you were both happy to find out that you would be in the same dorm building. Wishing each other luck in getting along with their assigned roommates before spending the rest of the day getting to know their soon-to-be roommates better (and of course, figuring out the room situation with the beds - quickly claiming the bottom bunk as your own). 

After finally moving in and taking the first few days to settle in and explore the campus and surrounding area with your roommates, you remembered to message Wanda to hang out and finally meet in person. In retrospect, it all was kind of ridiculous when you think about how she's probably been a few floors away from you this whole time.

But seconds after sending the message, Wanda agreed happily and asked if she could even drag one of her own roommates to hang out also. You beamed at the blessing in disguise and quickly texted back that you would see if your own roommates wanted to come along too - because let's be real, as much as the two of you had talked online and over text, meeting each other face to face was a completely different ballpark.

While you asked your friends if they wanted to come along, you tried to mentally prepare yourself to meet her in person while a rush on insecurities popped into your head:

What if she thought you were weird? Or a huge nerd or dork? Or if she just didn't like you? 

You told a stranger your hopes and dreams with such ease, not even thinking about how she could definitely ruin college for you if she wanted to. 

Both, Maria and Helen agreed quickly, eager to meet whoever you were so excited to see, as you laid on your bed for a bit to try and calm down, though your brain proceeded to go through more scenarios where Wanda would find some way or reason to hate you. Though, that didn't last long as you heard a short knock on the door, quickly jumping off your bunk to open the door, smiling widely as you finally laid eyes on Wanda (and her roomie Natasha). 

"Hey gals, welcome to-" before you could finish, Wanda cut you off with a tight hug and a light laugh.

"It's so nice to finally see you in person, (Y/N)! I'm so excited we live in the same building!" Wanda gushed and let go with flushed cheeks when she noticed everyone staring at her, "Hi! Nice to meet you both, I'm (Y/N)'s friend, Wanda!"

After a round of (semi-)awkward introductions, the five of you left your building to walk to the Student Union to eat dinner and talk more, grabbing a large table outside to enjoy the perfectly cool summer night. And soon enough, everyone was comfortable with each other - talking about anything and laughing at stupid jokes - and nothing could ruin the moment.

At least, that's what you thought until Helen (you loved her already, but sometimes she really had no filter) cleared her throat, "so what are you guys?" And without skipping another beat, "I'm bisexual."

You choked on your food and for a split second, immediately regretted inviting Helen just out of the sheer fear if someone at the table was a homophobe and would start hating you. 

Sure it was 2018 and all, but you could never be too sure...

One quick glance around the table and you were thankful that everyone was as shocked as you were, but seemed to have no negative feelings towards the topic, Natasha especially jumping in to move past the silence, and admitting that she was bi as well, giving everyone else at the table(aka you) a chance to catch their breath before jumping back into the conversation.

After another hour of talking and fooling around together, your group of friends made their way back to the dorm building after Maria suggested everyone should add each other on snapchat and to hang out again soon. Quickly after adding everyone, Maria and Helen said their goodbyes to Natasha and Wanda before making their way towards the stairs to head back to your room, leaving you to say goodbye to the two while they waited for the elevators to head up to their floor.

"Living on the highest floor must be tough." You groaned thinking about having to wait for the elevator each time you wanted to leave or come back to the dorm, glad that your room was on the third floor, "I don't know how y'all will make it through this year, at least the rest of us can just run up and down the stairs quickly to get to our room."

The two shared a look before laughing, "us? We're going to crush this year, don't you worry, I'm sure we can handle waiting for an elevator to bring us to the tenth floor." Wanda rolled her eyes and grinned, "besides, you seem like the most likely out of the five of us to keel over first, you choked on your burrito like twenty times tonight."

"Okay to be fair, a solid 70% of the choking was because of what Natasha and Helen were talking about." You feigned a hurt expression and put a hand over your chest, "seriously, how does a conversation about being LGBTQ turn into one about weird animal habits and facts?"

As the elevator arrived, Wanda shot you another grin, "I'll give you that one, but still - I'll keep you in my nonexistent prayers so you'll stop choking on your food, (Y/N). Make sure you do the same for me, alright? Goodnight!" 

If you weren't looking at her already, you would've missed the small wink she threw in your direction before she jumped into the elevator.

"I'll make sure she does it (Y/N), I swear", Natasha smiled and rolled her eyes at Wanda's ridiculous promise before waving to you and stepping inside the elevator, which closed as they both gave you one last wave.

After you were sure the doors were closed, you turned around and walked up the stairs to head back to your room, a happy pep in your step and a stupid grin on your face, ecstatic that Wanda was just as great as you expected her to be (for the most part).

Even though Wanda wasn't exactly the angel she presented herself as at the start of your friendship, she was more than what you could ever wish for in a friend. 

There was just something about her - you felt it deep in your soul.

She's definitely someone special.


	5. Freefalling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freefalling | You were already so caught up in the journey and smiles together that you already unknowingly followed her off the cliff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (everything is written out of order but technically I only have three more chapters I have to write before I can just post everything LOL OOP)

Ever since you met, you and Wanda spent more and more time hanging out together, exploring different parts of the campus and the area, and getting to know each other even more. Finding a new comfort in each other's company more than your other friends -

The two of you bonded over deep talks and meaningless jokes over the summer, after all, it was kind of expected that the two of you would spend as much time together in real life as you did texting each other.

You took a sip of your coffee as you walked down the courtyard in-step with Wanda, feeling excited at the number of interesting organizations there seemed to be on campus. "See anything interesting at the organization fair, Wanda? I think I saw one or two clubs I might join."

"I might just focus on that humanitarian club." Wanda flashed a quick smile at you before shrugging, "other than hosting events around the community they all seem to be pretty interesting."

Hearing her answer, you almost choked on your coffee, "wait, are you serious? That's the one I was going to join, everyone seems hilarious there."

Happy to hear that you both had the same choice in clubs, Wanda laughed and bumped shoulders with you before running ahead, "guess you're stuck with me, (Y/N)! Now hurry up, if we're late Natasha's going to scold us again!"

"You do know we could just call her and tell her we're going to be a few minutes late right? It's way too hot to run right now." You sighed and picked up your pace (not really).

But Wanda could only laugh at your sluggishness before dragging you along by your arm, "that's your fault for wearing such dark colors, now come on!"

Thinking back to how you were so nervous about meeting Wanda, it all seemed kind of ridiculous now. You went from being worried that she would secretly hate you, to now openly laughing and spending every free moment together.

Despite all your differences, you both just knew there was just something special about each other, pulling you closer and closer.

By the time you got to Natasha at the union, she was already surrounded by desperate frat boys wanting her number.

When you neared her, you could both see her rolling her eyes at the latest pick up line before she looked up and saw the two of you coming closer, immediately smiling and waving you down, "oh honey! I'm so glad you and Wanda could make it! I didn't know how much longer I could wait for you both!" She gave you her biggest smile as one last warning to the remaining boys around her.

"I suppose duty calls, huh?" Immediately recognizing the tactic you had gotten used to doing for all your friends, you laughed and whispered to Wanda before answering Natasha, "Of course, sweetheart! Who are all these people with you? Should I be worried?"

"Well now that you're here, I sure hope not!" Natasha wasted no more time in standing up to embrace both of you, signaling to the remaining boys that it was their last chance to leave her alone without harm, laughing when she realized that you were already glaring at them.

Once they were gone, you slumped over the table and groaned, burying your head in your arms, "Jesus, Nat, how do you deal with this every day?"

Your friend could only laugh before she dug into her food, "I'm just used to it I guess, but I am glad I can use the both of you to scare them off now!"

Both you and Wanda could only roll your eyes at Natasha's carefree nature towards the legion of boys that often followed her around campus, but laughed along with her anyway, enjoying the relaxing time together before things got busy again.

The three of you spent the next two hours like that, relaxing in the air-conditioned room, talking about their weeks and scrolling through their phones for funny photos and posts to show each other until Natasha's phone went off for a reminder to meet with a professor.

With a small frown on her face, Natasha stood up to pull you both into quick hugs before grabbing her bag and walking towards the direction of the offices, "I'll see you both later, don't have too much fun without me!"

Ignoring the teasing wink Natasha sent your way before turning away, you yawned and stretched your arms before turning to Wanda, "should we head back too? Or do you want to hang out somewhere else on campus before we walk back?"

"Would you hate me if I said I wanted to see the turtles again?" Wanda flashed you a smile and you were helpless against the sight, knowing that even if you said no, you would have gone to see them anyway.

You pushed yourself out of your seat and flashed her a small grin, "I would never hate you, you dork, but let's go?"

The walk to the pond was short, the afternoon now cooler as the sun was lower in the sky than when you first left to meet up with Natasha, acting as perfect weather to pick fruit from the nearby trees to feed the turtles. You two couldn't help but spend a few more hours lost in each other's laughs and low voices, watching the turtles and koi fish swim around each other peacefully.

It wasn't until the area was dimly lit by the surrounding street lights that either of you realized just how late it had gotten, with streams of missed messages and notifications indicating just how lost in each other you both were.

Standing up to stretch and prepare yourself for a night of homework and readings, you couldn't help but pout at the idea of ending such a carefree afternoon with Wanda. "When did it get so late? I swear it was just like, five minutes ago that we met up with Nat for food."

"Aw, c'mon (Y/N/N), at least we escaped the heat for most of the day, right?" Wanda laughed as she patted the dirt off your pants and turned around so you could do the same for her. "Guess it's time for us to head back, hmm?"

Cleaning Wanda of the dirt on her legs, you mirrored her soft smile, "I guess so."

The walk back to your dorm was in a comfortable silence, only breaking it when you noticed the wild rabbits on the field by the music building on campus, enjoying one last slow walk together before returning to the chaos, no the reality, of your dorm and your lives.

Upon arriving at your building and seeing the elevator open, Wanda wasted no time in leaving your side to rush in, not eager to have to wait another ten minutes for it to come back down to the lobby. Abandoning you without even a goodbye as she ran into the elevator.

You could only laugh and make your towards the stairs up to your own room, pulling your phone out to message her with a fond smile on your face.

_[9:04 p.m - (Y/N)]: Thanks for leaving me down here alone, I really feel appreciated jerk_

Grateful to finally be home after a long day, you quickly changed into comfortable clothes and jumped into bed, a large smile on your face from the whole day spent with Wanda.

Seconds within laying down, you received a notification that she replied and opened your chaotic chat, the smile still on your face.

_[9:04 p.m - Welery]: How rude! You know if I didn't run in I would've had to wait another 10 minutes for the dumb elevator to come back!! :^((_

_[9:04 p.m - (Y/N)]: That's fair!! but you didn't even give me a proper goodbye?? and also you know I would've waited with you_

_[9:04 p.m - (Y/N)]: I always will_

_[9:05 p.m - Welery]: that's our thing isn't it? to never say goodbye? lol_

_[9:05 p.m - Welery]: u know I love you_

_[9:05 p.m - (Y/N)]: I am not seeing your point!! I am an angel and deserve a proper goodbye_ don't _I?_

 _[9:06 p.m - Welery]: okay dork,_ i'll _make sure to say goodbye next time!! but I'm gonna do some_ hw _rn, try not to stay up too late tonight okay??_ gn _and_ ily _!_

_[9:06 p.m - (Y/N)]: alright alright whatever_

_[9:07 p.m - (Y/N)]: (and I love you sometimes) try to get some sleep okay you scholar?_

Just rereading your texts brought you a new wave of happiness, glad that you were able to become such close friends so quickly, and get along so well. Your best friends Bucky and Sam were ecstatic to see you be so close to another person on campus outside of them (more so because Wanda lived in the same building as you as well as being another girl).

"You know, you mean, green, fighting machine, I'm truly so glad you were able to find another girl who you can be basically best friends with." Bucky laughed at wrapped his arm around your shoulder the next morning, stealing you for breakfast with him and Sam, rather than your usual morning with Wanda. "People were starting to talk and say you were in love with me."

Seeing your chance, you quickly winked and wrapped an arm around his waist, "hey, I could definitely be head over heels for you buddy, maybe I'm just waiting for my perfect chance to strike."

"Aw, buzz off, (Y/N), you know I have something for your friend." Bucky rolled his eyes and pinched your sides, "we all know where you fall on that sexuality spectrum and I am nowhere near your type."

You couldn't help but laugh at his pink cheeks, "oh yeah, how did you describe him? Snarky, short, and handsome? Or is it the other one?"

"One, that was uncalled for, two, you don't see us joking around that you might get feelings for your best friend, and three, I'm pretty sure for Bucky it's the other one." Sam jumped in and passed two coffees to both of you. "Since I know you're both heathens and need at least 4 cups a day."

Grateful for the coffee in your hands, you didn't quite pay attention to what Sam was saying, "what was number two again?"

"I'm just saying, I have a feeling that you just MIGHT get or already have feelings for one of your friends, but I'm not going to say who." Sam grinned as Bucky nodded along, both of them getting more awake with each passing second.

"You've both officially lost it. I'll make sure to invite everyone you ever thought was cute to your goodbye party before your funerals." You rolled your eyes and took a sip of the coffee in your hands, too tired to think too deeply into their words.

Bucky was quick to defend them both, pulling you into a one-sided hug with the arm he had around you, "now that's just mean and uncalled for, (Y/N), you know you love us."

Seeing them both pout at your serious face, you couldn't help but laugh at the sight, pushing of their arms around you to run ahead of them and flip them both off with your free hand, "I MIGHT!"

You may have disregarded what they both admitted to you from your tiredness, but you had to admit a weird, unknown feeling lingered in your gut after the conversation.

Feelings?

You knew better than anyone that falling for your own friend would only lead to heartbreak.

But it was also a little too late for you.

You were already so caught up in the journey and smiles together that you already unknowingly followed her off the cliff.

Freefalling with her toward some uncertain future.

Not caring how it could all end as long as you could keep seeing her smile.


	6. Just Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of your reactions brought her so much joy and spending so little time with you now made her feel lonely, even though she was surrounded by her other friends, she could only think about you.
> 
> After all, isn't that just what friends do?

With just one look, everyone could tell that you and Wanda were close; even with all your differences and little arguments and teasing, the two of you were basically inseparable and spent more time laughing and smiling with each other than with anyone else you both met on campus.

It was to the point where everyone thought you had grown up together or were even dating - things you both thought were ridiculous (outwardly, at least).

Even with all your teasing and constant arguing, everyone could agree that you were cute together, acting like an old married couple who loved each other at the end of the day - no matter what happened. 

Any arguments or teasing were forgotten by dinnertime - too hungry and tired to stay made through the night.

It was like a routine: wake up, meet each other for breakfast, tease each other or argue about some small insignificant thing while walking to your classes, text each other memes or animal pictures, then meet up again to do work and spend the rest of the day together, the argument from the morning now long forgotten.

You both spent so much time together that it was weird to be away from the other for a prolonged period of time. Even though you both joined the same club on campus, you were both welcomed into two different friend groups and spent so much time with all your new friends, the two of you couldn't help but notice just how much you missed each other's presence until you ran into each other at the volunteer events.

You were taking your break resting on the stairs outside of the event hall, happy for the cool breeze that was a welcome change from the slightly stuffy event hall, where you spent most of your shift running around and helping guests set up their booths.

Your mind was blank as you relished in the comforting sensation of the breeze, before a cold bottle was pressed against your cheek, shocking and making you jump up, turning to see Wanda with a deviously happy grin on her face, "of all the people to attack me on my break, it really had to be you huh Wanda?"

Wanda laughed at the pout on your face before pushing your shoulder and holding out the bottle for you, "should I be offended? I even got you this water since you've been running around all morning."

"My savior," you smiled thankfully at her before grabbing the bottle and drinking half of it, "God I didn't realize how thirsty I was."

"Oh trust me, I think you're the thirstiest person we know, and I'm pretty sure all of our friends would agree too." Wanda snorted before leaning against the railing with a small smile on her face, happy to see that at least you wouldn't collapse from dehydration.

"Alright, that was just unfair and also uncalled for Maximoff," you rolled your eyes at her before stretching your legs out, "just because I don't have people tripping over themselves to talk to me like you and Natasha doesn't mean I'm thirsty. I'm just a friendly person."

"That might be true, but fangirling over a new female celebrity every other day does," Wanda laughed and rested her head on your shoulder, her voice suddenly tired and low, "I feel like I haven't seen you in years, is that weird?"

Quickly adjusting your own position to make sure she would be comfortable, you rested your head on hers as you pursed your lips, thinking about the last time you saw Wanda, "you always run into me whenever I go back to the dorm though?"

Wanda groaned and you were sure she probably rolled her eyes at you before she slapped your arm, "I meant like, we haven't just hung out with just the two of us. It's kind of weird. I miss having you around all the time."

"Hey now, Wanda, listen to me." Sensing the sadness in her voice, you were quick to reassure her, wrapping your arm around her waist, "no matter what happens, I'll always be there for you, like how you'll always be there for me, right? Even if we don't see each other every day. I'm here, you're here."

Even after talking with you during your break at the event, Wanda couldn't help but feel abandoned by you, though she knows she had no reason to be. You were both busy people now.

But she was your first friend - your best friend like you were hers.

She rationalized it by saying it was because she spent almost all her waking (and even some of her sleeping) hours together with you for the first month at university. She was just so used to having you nearby whenever she needed, it was weird being away from you.

Of course, talking with you always made her feel a little better, but that didn't excuse the fact that you still weren't able to stay by her side or spend more time with her like you used to.

Her heart ached thinking about whoever was lucky enough to spend their days with you. 

Wanda couldn't help but feel jealous when she overheard or saw that you were spending more time with upperclassmen or other girls that she never even met, even though they were all in the same club as both of you.

How could you find time to spend time with all of them, but not even have time for her when she missed you?

She missed having endless conversations with you, teasing you and making you laugh, she just missed being around you, taking up your bed to nap while you worked, or bothering you while you tried to get ahead on homework. 

All of your reactions brought her so much joy that spending so little time with you now made her feel lonely.

And even though Wanda was surrounded by her countless other friends, she could only think about you.

You consumed much of her thoughts as she did for you.

After all, isn't that just what friends do?


	7. Whirlwind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even before it all fell to pieces, even before things went bad, you were already caught up in the whirlwind she was. 
> 
> So charmed and caught up in making her smile and laugh, you didn't realize just how much she was pulling you in too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more than halfway thruuuu (i'm tired aslkks)

You groaned and leaned into your seat as you watched Wanda with a tired smile, "you can't just get mad at me like this, you know that right? I didn't even do anything wrong."

Stubborn as always, Wanda continued to make faces at you while readjusting her position on your bed, "you know what you are? A person who lies," and after a slight pause and furrowing her brows at you, she continued, "a liar."

"What would I even lie about, Wanda?" You couldn't help but laugh at her sudden childishness and the cute pout on her face, "I have been nothing but honest and nice towards you today, and actually, the past forever that I've known you for that matter!"

In response, she stopped moving to glare at you as her pout continued to grow, "then why can't you show me what was on your phone?"

"Those are private conversations I'm having, Wands! Why would I have to show you any of them?" As cute as the faces she was making were, you felt like you were arguing with a child - albeit a college-aged, ridiculously stubborn, and pretty one.

At this point, Wanda could tell you weren't going to give in, no matter how many pouty faces she directed towards you, opting now to puff up her cheeks, "well, just...just BECAUSE."

"You know, you're being ridiculous right now." You rolled your eyes one last time and laughed as you turned back towards your laptop to finish editing your paper, holding back the urge to watch the look on her face as you won this "argument".

"Ugh." Accepting her defeat, Wanda gave one last pout before laying back down on your bed to scroll through her social media, making you laugh even more for being a sore loser.

Small "arguments" like this were so common between the two of you that it was just another reason why everyone thought the two of you were friends before coming to university or that you were dating - getting to the point that Bucky almost started a betting pool on who would have the most "wins" by the end of the semester (almost because you quickly found out and nipped the idea in the bud).

And as ridiculous as they were, the arguments were just another thing that always brought a smile to your face, especially when you knew you were in the right and she had no solid argument for her side, though sometimes you did feel guilty for being so cocky about your wins (though just a pang).

When you finished making the last edit, you quickly read over the paper and turned it in before looking over at your bed to see Wanda still scowling at her phone, feeling bad that she had lost and raised her voice at you, "hey, sore loser, want to grab some food with me?"

"And why would a liar like you get food with someone as kind and genuine as me?" Though her tone was serious, Wanda locked eyes with you and grinned, too happy to hear your voice to stay mad that she lost the argument.

"Because," you smiled and stretched your arms before getting up and pulling on a jacket, "I will pay for your food at McDonald's like the true gentleperson I am."

Wanda narrowed her eyes in a final effort to try and intimidate you, but slowly stretched and got off your bed with a smile, "I want Jack in the Box."

You couldn't help but laugh again, "are you serious right now? You're going to argue with me where I buy you food now too?"

"Of course." Wanda rolled her eyes and grabbed her things before following you out of the room, "I deserve at least one win today, don't I?"

Instead of answering verbally, you just rolled your eyes at her and let her link arms with you as the two of you left the dorm, relishing in the comfortable coolness and calmness of the evening, somehow free from the countless screaming and nonsense that usually surrounded your dorm building.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence taking in the weather and each other's company, Wanda nudged you with her shoulder before holding her hand out to you with a small pout on her face. "Will you warm up my hand?" 

And as ridiculous as the request sounded, you laughed and gave Wanda your hand anyway, not realizing the small blush on her cheeks or even your friends' cameras recording the interaction and silently gushing around you. Too focused on the prospect of eating, making her less hangry, and just eager to make her smile again. "If it means you'll stop whining and being so angry at me? Then, of course, I will."

Even before it all fell to pieces, even before things went bad, you were already caught up in the whirlwind she was. 

So charmed and caught up in making her smile and laugh, you didn't realize just how much she was pulling you in too.


	8. Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The strings surrounding your fate together were tangled from the moment you first talked to her.

Hearing Wanda's surprise at the news made you choke on your coffee, "you really didn't know? There are so many guys that like you, Wanda, it's kind of crazy."

"Oh please, if someone liked me I'm pretty sure I would know," Wanda rolled her eyes and looked as scandalized as you always imagined Professor Oak would be when the player would try to use a bike indoors. "I'm not dense."

"You didn't even know Paul liked you until Pietro pointed it out to you?" You laughed as you reached for a napkin to clean up the coffee you spilled on yourself.

And like the stubborn girl she was, Wanda didn't want to admit that your gut feelings were right about Paul, opting to just deny it outright, "that was completely different."

"Different? How was that different?"

"Because he didn't like me - I talked to him about it and he just thought it would be cool to go to semi-formal together as friends because he thought I seemed like a nice person." She stated in a matter-of-factly tone and continued to sip on her tea as calmly as she could. "I hope you know I'm still mad that you're not going."

"Oh yeah, that's such a solid argument," you rolled your eyes before continuing, "just admit that I'm right. Also! It's not my fault they ran out of tickets while I was in class."

One look and you already knew what she was going to say, "oh please, you know that's never going to happen." With a small smirk on her face, Wanda finished the rest of her tea and stood up, "now are you ready to help me get ready at least?"

You weren't sure if you were just tired from the long week, but you decided not to egg her on any more than you already had, quickly finishing up your coffee and following her lead back to your dorm, letting her hook her arm around yours as you walked back.

Though you weren't much help in getting Wanda ready for the semi-formal, she appreciated your company in the process, showering her in compliments and smiling the whole time, making her feel more confident about the night ahead of her.

The night she had to spend without you by her side.

"I really do wish you were coming, (Y/N)." Wanda's voice was quiet as you walked her out of the dorm, ignoring the wandering eyes and whispers that followed you. "Maybe I wouldn't be so nervous if I just said no to him and asked you."

You turned away to hide the blush you felt on your cheeks, but laughed anyways, "aw, you want to see me dressed up that bad? I'm touched."

"Maybe I do." She let out a small laugh and you could only assume she rolled her eyes as your blush spread, "I think we could've been cute with everyone, matching and coming together."

"Ask me to the formal next semester and let's make that a reality, shall we?" You leaned against the bike rack as you waited for your friend to pick her up, finally turning to see just how beautiful she looked, all dressed up and ready for the semi-formal.

Wanda beamed, glad to have finally caught your eye again, before laughing and pushing you lightly, "I have to ask you? Weren't you the one bragging about how you had so many cute ask ideas? You should be asking me."

Her laugh soothed the anxiety you felt about having her go to the semi-formal without you to make sure she was safe from all the drunk attendees that would probably hit on her - seeing her happy and calm made those things flow into you as well.

"If you're nice, I'll ask you to the formal, does that sound fair?" You smiled and turned your eyes to the road to keep an eye out for your friend's car, still too shy to compliment her directly to her face, "you really are especially beautiful tonight, Wanda, make sure you have fun okay? And let me know if you need anything, alright? I'll be up all night doing work anyways."

She didn't waste any more time and squeezed your hand comfortingly, "of course, (Y/N), I know I can count on you for anything."

The soft moment between you two was quickly over as your friend pulled up to the front of your building, music blasting from the small car, with them quickly yelling out to her, "Wanda, HURRY UP! We're already LATE!"

"Guess that's your cue to go?" Crossing your arms, you turned and offered Wanda a small smile, not expecting anything but a normal goodbye. "Be safe."

If anyone asked her, Wanda wouldn't be able to explain what had gotten over her, but seeing your downtrodden smile at her departure, she couldn't help but feel lonely and quickly moved in to press a quick kiss to your cheek before running into the car. "I'll see you."

Too shocked to respond, even with a grin or a sarcastic quip, all you could bring yourself to do was cover the cheek she kissed with your hand as you watched her run into the car and drive off.

Wondering if, maybe, just maybe, if that kiss was was anything but platonic.

Barely an hour and a half into the event, you were notified of a long stream of messages from Wanda, freaking out from the awkwardness she felt and the urge she felt to run away after Paul confessed his real (romantic) feelings for her. 

And like the good friend you are, you wasted no more time in grabbing your keys and driving over to rescue her from the semi-formal, eager to make her feel calm again.

You were quick to calm Wanda down after she got into the car, listening to all her worries and anxieties from the night before talking her through it and pulling to the side of the road to pull her into a tight hug. 

"Know what always makes me feel better?" You pulled away and wiped a lingering tear from her face, "milkshakes - it'll be my treat, where do you want to go?"

She sniffled quickly before gripping your hand for comfort, "will you go to the drive-thru of Burger King? I just want to sit in here and not go back to my room tonight."

"Of course, Wanda, for you? I just want to see you smiling again, and I'll do anything to make it happen." You rubbed your thumb across her knuckles and flashed her a soft smile before pulling away to drive to the get your milkshakes. "And, if you don't want to go back to your room tonight, you can take my bed, I'll give you clothes to sleep in."

From the corner of your eye, you saw her smile softly as she turned her body to face you, rather than facing forward to watch the roads, her voice soft as the passing streetlights lit up her face, "I really don't deserve you, do I?"

"No one deserves me - I am a heaven-sent gift." You grinned as you pulled into the drive-thru, not wanting to think too much about the events of the night. "But you? You do deserve happiness."

Wanda hummed happily at your reply and beamed, a sight that would usually leave you speechless, so you turned away to study the lit up menu, rather than pull up and not be able to tell the worker your order.

After handing her clothes to change in, it finally dawned on you that you weren't sure where YOU would be sleeping while she was in your bed. Quickly changing and settling into your chair to think about your new predicament, not aware that Wanda walked came back and was watching you with an amused smile on her face. "You know, the two of us can fit on the bed."

"Yeah sitting against the wall, and I'm sure you wanna be laying down after the long day you've had." Hearing her whisper against your ear made you flinch slightly, though your nerves were going through a roof for other reasons at the moment.

"I mean it - we can both fit, laying down, if we, you know - snuggle just a little." Wanda offered nonchalantly and shrugged, before crawling under your sheets and patting the space beside her. "Stop being such a baby and be my little spoon."

Too tired to argue with her (you knew she would win anyways - her being awake and stubborn, while you were just plain exhausted), you sighed and pulled yourself onto your bed, letting Wanda wrap her arms around your waist to pull you close, her grip quickly loosening within a few minutes as her light snores told you she was asleep.

And now, in the quiet comfort of night, you couldn't help but think about the long day together, as much as you really didn't want to.

You definitely were not thinking about how complicated and blurred the lines were getting - how small friendly touches or compliments were suddenly turning into bigger, more loving things, how she was suddenly so jealous whenever she saw you hanging out with girls that weren't her, or how the two of you felt a pang in your hearts saying goodbye that first time that night, and another pulling each other into your arms when she asked you to pick her up.

You were definitely not thinking about how you would definitely have to sit down and talk to all the guys that you heard liked her.

And you were definitely not thinking about how soft her lips were when she kissed your cheek earlier.

You were just friends.

Friends are affectionate like that - right?

This was all just your duty as her best friend, that's all.

No hidden meaning - other than wanting your lives to not be so complicated - 

Right?

But from that first interaction, that first "I can't wait to meet you", to that first, "don't you miss me", to that latest, "I really don't deserve you."

The strings surrounding your fate together were tangled from the moment you first talked to her.


	9. Cold Hard Truth

The cold December air made you shiver, pulling your jacket closer to you as you waited on the bench alone for your friends to arrive, for some much needed, late night hijinks. To distract yourself from the subtle changes in your relationship with Wanda, and the new complications you found yourself facing by being so close to her.

After a few minutes of waiting out in the cold, the sound of familiar laughter and footsteps lifted your head to see Bucky and Sam bumping and pushing each other, definitely racing and speed walking to see who would get to you first.

"(Y/N)! Who wON!" Bucky was able to force out the question as he and Sam were bent over, holding the bag of your food in their hands, trying to catch their breaths. "Before I hand off our food - who won?"

"If I say you, will you give me my food?" You flashed both of them a tired grin and laughed when they both groaned and sat down on either side of you, gently placing the food in front of you. "Thank you, my sweet, sweet boys, also - it was Bucky that won by the way."

Sam scowled while Bucky's grin grew as you all began to dig in, both of them too tired from racing over to think of smart comments to annoy the other, opting to enjoy a few minutes in silence to eat a good amount of their dinner before going back to being boisterous.

"You know what would be fun?" Sam swallowed his last bite nudged your arm with his own to make you pay attention to his suggestion.

"What?"

Now grinning, Sam hurt pride was suddenly restored to its original glory, "if we played Hot Seat! It'll be fun to ask each other stupid shit while we eat our fine dinner"

You and Bucky shared an unsure look, but went along with his game anyway, "...we guess so.”

The questions started off simple and easy to answer, the three of you quickly going through four rounds like that before Bucky grinned and wrapped his arm around you, his voice low, “so (Y/N), here’s a pretty simple one - fuck, marry, and kill with Natasha, Jane, and oh idk, Wanda?”

Without thinking, you rolled your eyes and answered, “that’s easy, kill Jane because we’re not that close, fuck Natasha, and I guess I have to marry Wanda - which is fine because people already joke about us being an old married couple, right?”

They were both shocked at how quickly you responded but recovered just as fast to tease you.

"To be honest, (Y/N), you and Wanda would be really cute together," Bucky said in a matter-of-factly tone and nodded in sync with Sam, agreeing with his confession. “The comparison between you two and an old married couple is perfect.”

Hearing them agree so quickly to the idea left a weird feeling in your gut, but you weren't completely thrown off by the idea. After all, Wanda was pretty cute, and you two got along really well (but you wouldn't admit it to them at least). Opting instead to roll your eyes and try to deny their claims. "Are you two serious? Wanda's way too nice, and I'm kind of an asshole, I am not seeing the basis of this fake-relationship that the two of you and everyone else is seeing."

This time Sam spoke up, shrugging a little, "well, the two of you are always going back and forth with each other, you know, either being super sweet and caring to each other or teasing each other to oblivion - it's kind of easy to think the two of you are dating. I thought you two were dating at first if I'm being honest."

"Yeah, there's probably a lot of people that think the same thing too if we're being honest here, doll." Bucky gave you a small smile to try to make you feel a little better, but it really didn't help at all. “Have you seen the looks she gives you? If I didn’t know any better, I would say those were pretty loving ones.”

"You two really are serious right now, aren't you?" You groaned and hid your face in your hands, "this is going to mess me up, I hate both of you."

"Does that mean there's a chance you actually do like them romantically?" Sam grinned and shared a look with Bucky before turning back to you. "It could start something great, we’re just saying."

You don't know if it was from the cold weather or your lack of sleep, but your head was reeling, making you more annoyed than you already were, "what I'm saying is that it's already hard enough time having female friends because they always think I'm in love with them or something, Sam. Wanda and I? We're just friends - that's all we'll ever be, besides she's straight, she said it herself, and she's not even interested in love."

Hearing the crankiness in your voice, they both dropped the subject but made sure to keep a mental note about your reaction, wondering just how everything was going to come together at this rate.

The rest of the night passed in a blur, the three of you eventually moving on from teasing you about Wanda to teasing Bucky about Steve and the others, though the idea was stuck in the back of your mind - you couldn't possibly have real feelings for her, right?

No - you weren't in love with her.

You couldn't be -

And she would never be in love with you.

And that was just the truth.


	10. Rollercoaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two more parts left :^)!!!!

Once, you would describe your relationship with her as a rollercoaster: it had its fair share of ups and downs, no matter how much anyone screamed or cried, you knew that in the end, you'd be laughing and smiling together again.

But now?

Now you didn't know what to think.

Was this just another "down" on the rollercoaster that was you and her?

Would you go zooming past this hurdle like any other argument you had with her?

Or would you be stuck gripping onto the safety bars, holding on as tight as you could for your own safety and well being, while she relished in the ride? Unbothered by the thoughts that now plagued you.

Days had passed since playing Hot Seat with Sam and Bucky, days since you went out of your way to see any of your friends because you were so lost in your own thoughts and feelings - trying to make some sense of it all.

But as worried as everyone was, you were able to avoid them from prying further by giving the excuse that you were backed up on schoolwork, papers due and exams to study for.

And for a while, it worked, as all your friends were soon packed with schoolwork of their own as finals season were upon all of you.

Now your time was often spent studying or sitting alone, lost in your thoughts, only seeing anyone else when you ran into each other in the lobby of your dorm. Too busy trying to cram in as much information as you could before exams.

It was all like clockwork - keeping to yourself day-to-day as you let yourself think about everything, to avoid outside opinions and thoughts about your situation, giving yourself the space you needed to fully consider everything about you two.

And as much thought or time you put into it, you still couldn't understand anything.

Love was just an uncharted land you were too afraid to venture in, especially with Wanda, caring too much for her to even think of losing her.

One particularly rough Friday night after Helen left for the weekend, you laid in silence with Maria in your own beds, deciding to allow yourself one more person to show your weakness to in Maria.

"Maria?" Your own voice sounded foreign to you - now frail and full of uncertainty.

Your friend responded almost immediately, "everything alright?"

"I think I love Wanda." Finally admitting your secret out loud immediately made your chest feel lighter, finally free from the feelings you hid for so long. "I love her."

"Oh yeah?" Hearing the movement in the bed above you, you knew Maria was positioning herself to pop her head over to look at you.

Once you saw her head over the railing, you nodded slightly, "I think before I even realized it, she already pulled me into the deep end."

"Are you going to tell her?" Even in the darkness, the dim streetlights lit up Maria's face just enough so you could see her furrowed brows, "you should tell her."

"What? NO - I can't possibly, no that's isn't an option here." Just admitting you liked her was one thing, but actually confessing? That's just impossible.

Maria made one more face before laying back on her bed, "why? I've seen the way she looks at you and the way she talks about you - it's love."

"Platonic love." You scoffed immediately and rubbed your temples, "she's like this with everyone."

"I think it's romantic." She yawned before continuing, "there's a difference with you and her."

"There's no way - I mean, someone like me and someone like her?" You were both from two different worlds, the fact that you got along at all was a miracle in itself. "She's everything good in life and I'm just some hooligan."

The comparison made you both laugh, though Maria was quick to refute it, "one, you're so dramatic and two, love has no boundaries, (Y/N), just let yourself be happy."

"You know, Buck and Sam said the same thing," you let out a small sigh and kicked off your blankets, suddenly feeling too hot and uncomfortable underneath the usually comforting fabric, "a part of me can't help but believe you."

"Get some rest okay?" Maria shifted in her bed again before settling in a comforting position, "good night."

And while the conversation did ease some of your anxiety, you couldn't help but notice the uneasiness that persisted in your gut, letting out one last silent sigh before forcing your eyes shut, "...night."

Your dreams were no different than your waking hours, vague images and storylines of the two of you in fantastical settings, loving each other in some, and repressing your feelings in others. They were no help in deciding what you should do with your love.

Already reeling at the conflicting dreams, the sun shining on your face lulled you from your sleep as you opened your eyes and unlocked your phone to a long stream of messages from Bucky.

If you weren't already feeling weird from your dreams, the screenshots sent by Bucky from his chat with Wanda definitely made you feel worse.

Your screen now filled with the (late) long streams of text Wanda had been known for, whenever she was excited or stressed out, except now, they were all about you:

_[5:10 p.m. - Buckster]: hey everything alright Wand? overheard from some of the gals that you were freaking out over something earlier?_

_[11:36 p.m. - Wendy]: I think might I love them._

_[11:36 p.m. - Wendy]: I miss spending every day with (Y/N). Just thinking about holding their hand whenever I wanted or wearing their jacket or sleeping in their bed before doing work. I just miss everything_

_[11:37 p.m. - Wendy]: All my time and smiles with them..._

_[11:59 p.m. - Wendy]: What does this mean? Bucky please help ME! You're one of their best friends I don't know who else I can talk to about this, pls respond soon_

You always described the relationship as a rollercoaster, focusing on the relief and happiness that waited at the end, but now you couldn't be more eager to get off for new reasons - that happy feeling replaced with an unexplainable uneasiness rising in your gut and throat, threatening to spill out at any second.


	11. Icarus and the Sun

You chewed the inside of your cheek as you read over the message for the tenth time that night, wondering if you really were making the right choice. Confessing your feelings to your best friend...

Everything seemed like it would turn out fine, by what everyone was telling you, so what did you have to fear?

Everything that weighed you down for the past year would be out in the open, you could finally set yourself free, just the thought made your heart soar.

She's the sun that's been calling out to you your whole life, waiting for the day you would finally free yourself from your chains to soar in the sky with her.

Falling for her felt like freedom.

It was the first time you let yourself do such a thing.

To fall so hard it felt like your heart plummeted and rose with each moment together.

Being with her made you feel invincible - like you could soar.

And yet, your finger still hesitated as you hovered over the send button, wondering once again if it was really worth ruining your friendship.

That familiar uneasy feeling you began to associate with your feelings for her, settling in your stomach again as you read her name at the top of the chat and the ridiculous picture she took for her contact image.

And much like the myth you remember so fondly, the sheer thought of being with your sun gave you so much hope for the future that you jumped, flying towards uncertainty, hoping that luck would be on your side to carry you to your love - pressing send before your heavy eyes closed, dreams of flying in the sky above the ocean and others, relishing in the warm sensation of the sun on your skin,

You were so happy you jumped that you didn't realize you were burning.

Her reply broke your heart, but you understood why.

Plummeting into the depths of the ocean just as Icarus did before you.

And though being free also meant you would be hurt in the process, you knew it was only a matter of time.

After all, you always expected it.

Deep down, you always knew you didn't deserve her.

She deserved someone that wasn't broken like you.

Someone that wasn't so jaded and untrusting.

She deserved so much love and honesty and you just -

You just aren't the type.

You could be so cool and calculating, mean and closed off; you could never let her in as much as she wanted or needed in someone.

Though she smiled at you like everything would be okay as long as you were together, you know someone better deserved that smile.

You know now that you were just a fool.

Of course, you would never be able to reach her.

You were only destined to fall.

With shaking hands you put your phone down and sighed, quickly wiping the budding tears from your eyes before forcing a smile onto your face to get ready for the day, thinking about the last line of her long stream of messages:

_"No hard feelings right? I hope I can still see you today, I miss you <3"_

And even though you loved the sun for so long, you finally realized just how much it burned.


	12. [Real]izations

You found it funny - 

How quickly things can fall apart.

How the walls you spent so much time rebuilding after the destruction she caused are suddenly shattering all over again.

You were used to what everyone had to say, repeating the same things to you, over, and over again:

"You said you forgave her already, so why are you still so hurt over this? Why can't you just move on and just realize how nice she is?"

Of course, that was everyone's argument - 

"Just move on and just realize how nice she is?"

How nice of her to use you for her own comfort and gain. 

How nice of her to throw you aside whenever she wanted attention from more people than you.

How nice of her, no - of everyone to never realize just how much blame you received and the guilt you felt over everything. 

How could you move on and just realize how nice she is when all she's done for the past year is use you?

But as mad and hurt as you were, you did forgive her.

Heaven knows you would forgive her for anything - 

You always did.

She was always such a good person and friend, you couldn't do anything but forgive her.

Even now. 

Because even after all the pain and tears and heartache you were plagued with, you would forgive all of that because you know you had your fair share of good times too.

And as much as you want to hate her, for all the damage she's done, for all the hurt she made you feel, for all the blame you got, you just can't.

She's just, "too good."

But it was all too foreign, hearing her admit that she was wrong, that she knew she hurt you, that she knew the whole time she was using you. 

She might've loved you at some point, sure, but that was in the past - before all the hurt and pain came rushing in.

Your whole relationship with her, it was all so real. 

Each time she said, "I love you", "I miss you", "I wish you were here with me" - 

It was all so real, but you were both too cowardly to do anything before it was too late.

And like all real things, they were meant to come to an end.

So as much as she regrets how she hurt you, there's no more going back for either of you.

Modern love was nothing like the fairytales or movies, it's something so complicated and dangerous - 

It was so real, you just wish you could've known sooner.

Maybe then you wouldn't hurt so much just at the thought of the story of you and her.


End file.
